Healing Is the Way Home, with Osiris Montenegro, by Lora Spivey

"Who we are" is not our past. "Who we are" is this presence right here, right now, unconditioned by anything that has happened to us.
—Osiris
I first met Osiris at Drunvalo's Earth-Sky workshop in May 2002, where I became aware of his enormous power as a healer. Our interview took place after that workshop.

Lora: In your experience, what are the most common problems faced by adult survivors of child abuse?

Osiris: The most common symptom is a mistaken identification with what has happened to them. They believe that their story is who they are. While this paradigm is prevalent in the world today, it is particularly challenging to unravel for people who have a history of trauma.

It is important that each person recognize that there is an essential part of ourselves that has never been touched by any trauma we have experienced.

Let me explain what I mean.

Our Soul functions on the physical plane, in form, as a personality. The personality is the individuated part of us that has a sense of historical continuity based on the body and whatever has happened to the body. We're conditioned early in life to believe that our physical form and our personality make up the totality of who and what we are.

Our body has a survival program built in for its protection. When we're hungry, we hurt, so we eat. Our personality, identified with the body, also takes on this survival program — so if children don't get what they need, they hurt, and then they develop a strategy for survival.

The most common strategy for surviving trauma is for the child to disconnect from things that are too painful. We do this by creating an unconscious aspect of the mind where we store all of those pieces, the ones we have disconnected from. So in order to reclaim our lives we have to "metabolize" the contents of our unconscious.

Also, when we disconnected in order to survive we subdued the aliveness of our Soul's expression, so we have to reconnect all the pieces of ourselves in order to fully re-establish that aliveness in our lives.

Once we've reclaimed all that we disconnected from, we move beyond reacting to life out of old programs running in our unconscious. Then we respond to life by living fully present in each moment as our Soul Nature, allowing God's impulse to act through our unique expression.

Lora: How long does it generally take a survivor of child abuse to move through the healing process?

Osiris: There's no generic answer to your question. Healing is a process, and it can depend greatly on the type and severity of the abuse experienced by an individual as well as how that individual responded to his or her abuse.

From my experience, the mind forms a constellation of ideas and concepts around a "theme." Some common themes are I don't deserve to be loved, I'm not good enough, I'm weak, The world is not safe, I'll never trust again, and I'm a bad person.

These themes have several layers and dimensions that surface into our awareness according to the support and skills of the people we work with and our own capacity for Self-compassion.

Also, different aspects of the same theme require different skills, especially from the facilitator. For instance, the theme "I'm unlovable" may initially need listening skills. Later on, these skills may need to be complemented with energy work, such as acupuncture or breath work, to help awaken the capacity to feel.

After that, it might become appropiate for us to learn how to feel nurtured, so then massage would be an excellent modality.

In other words, our needs change according to the particular aspect being addressed. But the mechanism is the same: to contact whatever arises with all aspects of our awareness. With our mind, we remember and discern the truth. With our body, we experience the feelings and emotions associated with the trauma. And, most importantly, at the Soul level we attain the capacity to dis-identify from the events, so that we understand that what has happened to us is not Who We Are.

At the same time, we can dissolve our resistance to pain. We do this by experiencing it fully. This process is what I have referred to as "metabolizing" our traumas — assimilating them, digesting them.

From my point of view, with healing work you only have to go back in and remember just for a moment — fully re-experiencing what happened and why you suppressed it — to be able to recognize and release your traumas. That's what I mean by "metabolizing" our experience. You don't have to be in a painful stage for years. Once you metabolize the traumas, you can release the conditioning that gave you a sense of identity but now traps you and keeps you from identifying with your Soul Nature.

Once we have made healing our goal, then it becomes really very simple to see what needs to be done. Our Soul Nature lets us know. If we wake up and have a pain in the body, then that's where we need to go today. If we are having an emotional disharmony or a mental distortion, then that is where we need to focus our attention for that day.

The mind has a way of being in the past or the future. Yet every day, all the time, whatever we need to address is right there in front of us now. Healing is simply a matter of having the attitude and willingness to pay attention. It's all about becoming conscious, being present right here, right now. When we are able to be present and be congruent in our experience, then it is our Soul that is doing the "living."

So in order to heal, all you need is the inner trust that God is always within you and without you. Whatever you need is always within your arms' reach. What you need to experience is always before you. If you simply allow yourself to move through whatever "is," then the healing will come.

Lora: Can you talk about the process of making conscious decisions to take care of ourselves in the present, and the resistance that comes up to doing just that?

Osiris: Child abuse survivors often experience resistance in making conscious decisions in present time. For example, one person may make a resolution to take care of the body, but then eat a lot of junk food and blow off yoga class. Breaking the momentum of historic patterns is deeply intertwined with our healing.

So first we need to acknowledge that as a child, in order to protect ourselves, we developed this skill of resisting the present moment. For instance, if what we needed was love and our parents were hating us, we resisted this input in order to divert our attention from what was really happening. This is a natural response to traumatic circumstances.

Our nervous system is wired to avoid pain and seek pleasure. This is designed for our physical survival. Being hungry hurts, so we eat. What happens is that our mind superimposes this strategy onto our emotional and mental bodies, as well, and the resulting survival strategy becomes an unconscious process.

As we enter into the commitment of our healing process, we agree to allow our pain to surface. But the more we do this, the more creative our mind's resistance can become. So when that resistance comes, it is important for us to be vunerable to it, to acknowledge it, to recognize the fact that resistance is our habitual survival mechanism.

Being committed to our healing means moving beyond simple survival. We have already survived our childhood. Now we are able to metabolize our experiences and expand beyond them. Basic survival mechanisms are a part of us that served us very well as children, but if we continue to align with that, we will never grow up. We will be adults unconsciously abusing ourselves psychologically.

Moving past resistance is a lot like giving birth. It's very painful at first. But once we are past it, there is this life that's amazing.

Lora: What tools can you offer to assist a person to move out of resistance?

Osiris: Welcome it! Engage in self-inquiry. Be curious about your resistance. Get to know what is underneath it. Ask, Why is it that I don't want to go to my session today? What is it that is arising in my awareness that is so painful that I don't want to look at it?

Now, rather than moving away from the pain like a child, be the adult that you are and call forth your Soul to help you really stay present. When you do that, then you recognize that you are bigger than your resistance, bigger than whatever happened to you.

When I discover the Truth behind not wanting to do something that I know is good for me, I recover a part of myself that was lost in my childhood. I welcome my resistance, and I recognize that there is always more. I have compassion with myself, and greet the challenge of meeting my own suffering face-to-face.

Lora: Do you have a message for the adult survivors of child abuse who are reading this article?

Osiris: Love yourself, no matter what has happened to you. You are innocent and pure and beautiful. Your true nature — your Soul Nature — has never been damaged. Who you are and what you are is Divine.

Then, have the capacity to face your suffering. Once you heal what has happened to you, it becomes a gift. The worst thing that you have endured also offers you the gift that you have to give.

It is essential to understand that you may become violent with yourself and with others when you are hurting inside, especially as you go deeper into the traumas. As you heal, you will need a safe space and support.

Often it is in difficult situations when you are most vunerable that you will "act out." For example, if you were not allowed to express anger as a child, you will need to recover your ability to be angry. This might look pretty messy for a while.

Anger when it's not distorted is really inner strength. It is an energy that allows us to take action for the sake of the Truth. It is how we have the energy to defend ourselves. Anger is an essential part of recovering this strength for ourselves.

Be willing to heal.

Lora: Can you offer advice for dealing with a loved one who is in the process of healing from childhood trauma?

Osiris: We usually choose relationships that mirror our pain. As one person moves through the healing process, this will likely trigger the partner to bring up stuff. It can be really important not only have individual support but mutual support, as well.

And it is very important to have some form of coaching when you're dealing with bringing up deep emotional trauma, because we bring it home and act it out with the people we feel safest with. So I strongly recommend professional support to assist in developing clear communication agreements. Then when people are becoming toxic to their partners or to the whole family, there is an avenue to let them know what they are doing, and assist them not to escalate the difficulties.

Remember that Love Heals. When I can recognize that my partner is behaving from the place of being a wounded child acting out something very painful, when I can observe without personalizing their behavior, then I can really support my spouse in healing. In order to do that, I have to have the capacity to hold my own pain and recognize those moments when I, too, become a child.

Lora: Sometimes people are not willing to heal. What advice can you give to readers who recognize that their partners or loved ones, although suffering, choose to remain where they are for now?

Osiris: First and foremost is to love, and to love the truth. If the truth is that our spouse is incapable — and do realize that it's "incapable," not unwilling — of dealing with his or her suffering, then we have to look at the toxicity that this incapacity creates for our own healing process.

Many times, people have a contract that one will wake up and then trigger the partner to wake up. And sometimes, even though it was planned as such, it doesn't happen that way because things get distorted. Sometimes it will take something drastic, such as separation or the ending of the relationship, to fulfill this contact.

Honor and love the truth. If the truth is that the relationship we are in is toxic and is not changing, then it has served us as far as it can. We cannot stay in relationships out of habit or fear.

I have to love myself enough to recognize that if my spouse is a toxic experience in my life and not capable of healing at this point in time, then I have to do whatever I have to do to create a safe and supportive environment for myself. In this way my life can continue to expand.

We can't change another person. We have to be willing to give up ideas of how we want it to be. Life is a mystery. We don't really know what's around the corner. That's the gift of being alive.

Lora: Can you talk about adult relationships with parents who abused us?

Osiris: Somewhere in our healing process, true compassion arises, where we are capable of completely forgiving our parents or other abusers for what happened and how we interpreted it. We are able to recognize that abuse is done only by people who are already suffering, who are acting out their own pain. We realize that we are all — including our abusers — inherently good!

But before this realization comes, when we are still in the process of healing, we must allow all our feelings and emotions to float up from the unconscious and surface in the conscious mind. And when that happens, anger will definitely have to be part of what surfaces, for anger serves the function of creating boundaries, separating and protecting us.

But if abusers are nearby, the inner child does not feel safe enough to allow these kinds of feelings to surface. From the point of view of the inner child, nothing has changed. From that perspective, abusers are dangerous, a source of fear, and in their presence the "child within" contracts and reacts in the old habitual, defensive way.

So at first we need to create space between ourselves and those who participated in our wounding. Our instincts tell us to keep distance from these people while we are metabolizing a theme, and it is appropriate to honor these instincts.

This is normally a temporary condition. The length of separation depends on the type of abuse, how long it went on, and how deep the wounding is.

Lora: How can someone find this flavor of healing work?

Osiris: I am but one voice in a sea of healers. If you resonate with what I am saying, I empower you to know that there is somebody near you who can support you.

If you go within and ask God to guide you, then a healer in your own neighborhood who has the skills you need will be drawn to you or you to them. It is by creating the momentum that you want help that the help you need will arrive.

God comes to us in many disguises.

Osiris Montenegro is originally from Costa Rica, and has been practicing Holistic Healing internationally since 1988.

He holds a Master of Science Degree in Traditional Chinese Medicine, serving his acupuncture internship in Shanghai, China. A graduate of the Psychosynthesis Institute of Puget Sound in Washington State, Osiris also studied with Drunvalo Melchizedeck and is a Flower of Life facilitator.

In his private practice, Osiris approaches emotional healing with a combination of modalities, including acupuncture, psychosynthesis counseling, vibrational healing, body work, reflexology, and flower essences. His practice currently focuses on Soul Work.

Osiris travels offering Flower of Life workshops and Self Awareness classes in addition to individual healing sessions. You may contact him by email at LoveIsTheWayHome@hotmail.com.